I'm at a strange point of my life...

It really is odd. Or so I believe. I hate being back to my single days, in which I find many guys attractive again (because when I'm in a relationship I tend to ignore how other guys look; I only have eyes for the guy I'm dating...yeah, I'm very loyal) and I act rather flirtatiously, which unnerves me, I don't know why.

Before I go on, I will explain what happened with my boyfriend (now my ex...again). He said he couldn't make me completely happy until he was happy with who he is, and he couldn't be in a relationship, blah blah. But he still loves me and I love him and for now it's weird and a bit awkward.

I swore to myself I wouldn't love anyone else if it wasn't him, and I'd wait for him because I believe we belong together. And I try, you know. But then there is the issue with these two other guys (not to mention that my ex seems to be pushing me away but not quite? I'm confused). The first one, I don't know what's going on with. Is there chemistry between us? Are you flirting with me and I should flirt back? Etc. The second one makes me feel like a pedophile because he must be, what, 15-16? Seriously. I don't think dating guys that are 2-3 years younger than me is bad, just not right now because at that age they have the emotional maturity of a Tootsie Roll.

I haven't even heard from my former boyfriend in the past days...I tried to talk to him yesterday but he was busy, and I'm thinking he might be avoiding me, which is making me angry and annoyed.

Not to mention all the schoolwork I have to do...Oh, and the fact that my best friend left for Canada today, so I am stuck best-friendless in my senior year from hell.

In general, I'm not in the best of moods.

Life is so annoying and weird right now. I don't expect anyone to understand.


Oh, and as a side note, I changed my religious and political views on Facebook from nothing to "Atheist" and "Libertarian Socialist" respectively. Let's see what kind of insults and nasty comments I get.

[Update: Talked to the ex. Yeah, he's "the ex" now. Everytime I talk to him it just gets worse. Why is he trying to get away from me when he once said he was afraid of me blocking him out of my life? He makes no sense. Nothing does. I hate this...I need to leave everyone behind, get out of here and start anew. I wish I was in college already...]

It's getting out of hand

I don't know who to trust or believe anymore. This is getting awful and enormous and ridiculous. It worries me, and it scares me, and I don't know what to do, or who to talk to, or where to look for the answers.

I don't know what's wrong with my boyfriend. I don't know what's going to happen when he comes on Tuesday and we talk things over.

I don't know if I should believe my friends, who say that he doesn't treat me like I should be treated, that he doesn't make me feel valued and important, that he doesn't love me as much as I love him, that he cares more about his friends and himself than me and that I should leave him for good.

Should I believe him when he says he's going through a hard time in his life and just forgive him and take the hit if he decides to leave me (again) instead? Or should I assume that he just wants to bail from the relationship and let him go, fearing and almost knowing for certain that he would not bother to come back?

I want the truth, but I'm scared.

He's a coward for not wanting to face me until I told him how I felt, a selfish idiot for choosing his friends (which, on the most part, I don't like) over me and implying I wouldn't fit in with them because I'm too different...And still, I love him, and my chest aches at the thought of having him go. I can feel my throat tightening and tears burning like acid at the back of my eyes.

And, in the end, everyone tells me to leave him, but they don't understand how much I love him. Even though he's making me suffer, I love him. When I think about losing him, I want to cry so bad, because I don't want to live without his laugh, without his beautiful brown eyes, without his kisses or even without his rants. I know that sometimes I get tired of hearing him talk about all these bands and movies I don't know, but it's worth it just to see the look on his face when he gets really happy or excited about something.

Though I do tend to think that I would like it if he showed his love more often...I am ashamed to say I recall the times I saw him with his ex and wished I was her. I wished he loved me as much or even more, and that he was sweet and tender with me, even in front of other people, and that he took me out more often, among other things. I thought that, had I been there instead of her, I could've made him much happier...Or maybe I would've been a lot more happier. And, after all of those thoughts and images go through my head, that's when my life seems bleak, unfulfilled and lame.

I want an answer, I need divine intervention or something. I wish there was someone who could pause the movie of my life and take some time to explain what is going on right now. But there is no such thing, and my intuition says the future is not looking bright.

No matter how much advice I've gotten, how much people I've talked to, all the different points of view I've gotten, I still feel uneasy and very, very scared.

I think I'm also angry. This might sound stupid, but I'm angry at myself. Angry for not doing anything right, for screwing up every goddamned relationship I get into, for being scared of not having someone to love and be loved by.

I wish I could just disappear. Leave without a trace. Just...Vanish into thin air. Or even die. I don't think he'd care. Maybe my friends and my parents would, but he wouldn't. And I wouldn't have to worry about anything else; not my geography coursework, school or him.

But I'm so scared of doing anything...So, for now all I can do is sit on the couch, work on my coursework, cry, and wait.

A letter to you...

Dear somebody,

I love you.
Do you love me? Cause lately it seems like you don't.
If you don't love me, let me go.
I need some love, you know; I'm only human.

I need you to understand that I don't really hate you.
I hate what you're doing to me.

Why do you keep me locked away from where you are?
Do I not deserve a key to your heart?

Darling, hear me cry.
This is a call back to reality.

I know life is hard...No one ever said it would be easy.
But you can't make it hard for me because it's hard for you.

Hear me scream; is there no other way my words will go past your ears?

I want to help you,
I want to understand you,
I want to love you.

If only you'd stop playing mystery man and started telling the truth;
I've tried to gain your trust but it seems like that got me nowhere.
How could you ever expect anything in life to work that way?

So, what's it going to be?
Will we be overcome by loss once more?
Will we ignore each other for another 3 months?
Will I never see you again, but hear from you every now and then?

If you stay, make me feel loved,
Make me feel wanted,
Make me feel valued,
Make me feel like someone important in your life.
Make me feel like a person, not an accessory.

I want you to stay, but I can't stay myself if there's nothing more than a shadow to stay with.

They say I don't need you,
That I'm better off without you,
But I want you.
I love you.

Don't let this die.


Placing this formal complaint,
Left in the sidelines.

Viva! Un post en español!

Bueno, como podrán observar, el post de hoy va en español, ya que pasé este fin de semana en Suchitoto y me parecería un vil crimen relatarlo en inglés. Aprovecho para disculparme por cualquier falta ortográfica o gramatical, ya que mi teclado está en inglés y el spell check de Firefox también.

(Este post también va dedicado a mi amigo Snipe, quién me ha soportado las quejas ya bastantes veces. Gracias por ser un buen amigo!)



Mi historia comienza el viernes. Me había quedado a dormir en la casa de mi mejor amiga, pero me desperté lo antes posible (a pesar de que nos dormimos tarde) para regresar a mi casa a preparar la maleta. Aunque debo confesar que en parte tenía prisa para regresar a mi casa por que era posible que llegara a visitarme mi novio (lo cual no sucedió, pero bueno).

Despues de hacer las maletas y el drama de que no vino mi novio, finalmente partimos hacia Suchitoto. No es un viaje largo, pero yo lo sentí largo por el miedo que a mi reproductor de música se le acabara la batería (a duras penas sobrevivió la pobre cosa).

Y se preguntarán ustedes qué tiene de genial un viaje a Suchitoto (si es que saben a lo que me refiero), ya que con una vez o dos que uno vaya es suficiente, y yo he ido unas 3 o 4 veces. Bueno, resulta que después de que mi hermana y yo nos quejamos de que siempre vamos a hoteles feos (vivan los padres ahorrativos y todo eso! (sarcasmo)) y de que por una vez solita nos hubiera gustado ir a un hotel bonito, nuestros padres decidieron darnos el gusto y nos llevaron a un hotel super genial (y creanme, vale la pena ir a Suchi para quedarse en este hotel!) llamado los Almendros de San Lorenzo. Nosotras, encantadas y fascinadísimas no nos aguantábamos las ganas de llegar.

Como de costumbre, hacía un calor intenso en Suchitoto. Sentía que nisiquiera me había bajado del carro y mi cuerpo ya era una fuente. Pero el hotel estaba divino y a ninguno le cabía la sonrisa en la cara. Eran casi las 5 de la tarde, pero aun así mi hermana, mi papá y yo salimos a dar una vuelta y a comer unas pupusas. Al regresar nos bañamos en la piscina, después fuimos a cenar y regresamos al hotel a descansar, listos para un día a lo espontáneo, ya que no habían planes.

A la mañana siguiente, yo me desperté tipo 10 am, ya que me había acostado algo tarde, y estaba medio lela por que me había tomado unos calmantes (un poquito mas de la cuenta) para poder dormir, pero no me hicieron efecto hasta mucho después de lo que yo había calculado. Aún así, no partimos hasta mucho después de eso, llegando a la una y cuarto de la tarde. Todos habíamos desayunado muy bien en el hotel, así que no nos molestamos en almorzar.

Mi mamá sugerió que fueramos a Cinquera, un pueblo que queda relativamente cerca de Suchitoto en el cual hay un ex campamento guerrillero y una "cocina vietnamita" que mi mamá moría por ver.

Creo que de puro milagro llegamos, por que íbamos sin mapa y con instrucciones vagas, pero, cerca de una hora despues de haber salido de Suchi, llegamos al pequeño y tranquilo pueblo de Cinquera.

Este pueblo fue azotado por la guerra hasta el punto en el que sus habitantes tuvieron que huír y regresar al haber pasado el peligro. En su modesta plaza central se encuentra la cola de un avión de guerra, y en el pequeño patio afuera de la antigua iglesia se encuentran tres ojivas, unos recuerdos de la guerra que han sido acogidos por el pueblo y adaptados a la vida moderna, ya que a falta de campana de iglesia, se utilizan estas ojivas para llamar a la gente a misa (esto nos sorprendió; al principio no entendíamos por que había un grupo de niños golpeando las ojivas con piedras).

Nos dirigimos a la ARDM (La Asociación de Reconstrucción y Desarrollo Municipal), pero ésta se encontraba cerrada. Un hombre muy amable a quién encontramos sentado afuera de la iglesia se tomo la molestia de guiarnos hasta la entrada de la reserva ecológica de Cinquera, donde se encuentran el ex campamento guerrillero y la bendita cocina vietnamita (mi mamá no paraba de mencionarla; se los juro, estaba enamorada de esa cosa).

Decidimos tomar el tour guiado que nos llevaría hasta un mirador y luego a el ex campamento guerrillero y la cocina vietnamita en el descenso. El hecho de tener que caminar hacia un mirador no me era de mucha gracia, ya que hacía calor y acababamos de caminar un buen tramo desde la plaza central de Cinquera. Pero en fin, había sombra en el bosque y de igual manera me hacía falta el ejercicio. Sin mencionar que últimamente le estoy tomando más interes a todo esto de la guerra (esto es, en parte, gracias a la ida a perkin con mi mamá, mi hermana y mi novio...ese viaje estuvo espectacular!).

[Debo agregar que el guía era un muchacho divertido y que nos motivó a seguir subiendo. También iban unos amigos con el, y entre chistes y charlas logramos subir hasta el mirador.]

No les voy a decir que fue como darle la vuelta a mi cuadra. Para nada! Fue toda una odisea. Parecía que no llegabamos jamás..."Uy, que horror, faltan 50 metros y vamos en subida!"....Menos mal que habíamos desayunado bien, por que si no, yo hubiera desfallecido (además que me pongo de muy mal humor cuando tengo mucha hambre). Pero la bajada la senti 5 veces más rápida, especialmente por las ganas de ver la desgraciada cocina maravilla.

Llegamos al ex campamento conocido como "La Cascabel". La razón por la cual quede impresionada era por cómo los guerrilleros pudieron usar esa mini área (diría yo) como hospital (improvisado, supongo), área de entrenamiento y (obviamente) campamento. Pero bueno, esos guerrilleros si que me impresionan cada vez más. Después llegamos al área donde estaba la cocina. Menos mal que habia un gran cartelote y que el guía nos dijo que esa era la cocina, por que si no, yo no me daba cuenta.

La cocina eran unas piedras estacadas contra la tierra. Unos túneles cubiertos por tejas cerámicas partían de los hoyos en las piedras donde cocinaban hacia más arriba en la montaña. Este método fue utilizado por los vietnamitas, y lo que hace es que disipa el humo para que los enemigos no los encuentren. Bastante ingenioso!

Lo que más risa me dió fue que mis papás habían creído que la cocina eran unas estructuras de metal (que no me acuerdo que eran, si tanques de almacenamiento o qué). Los miraban como en un estado de mistificación, preguntándose como rayos funcionarían esas cosas, cuando el guía les dijo que la cocina era "esta" y apuntó a las piedras. Ese momento no tuvo precio. Jajaja!

Llegamos de regreso a la entrada del parque a las 4 de la tarde, ya con bastante hambre y ganas de regresar a Suchi (aunque yo queria ver si encontraba pupusas en Cinquera!). Llegar de regreso a Cinquera fue como llegar al cielo. Lo primero que hicimos fue comprar agua, y después mi hermana y yo comimos unas tortillitas algo feas, pero con el hambre que teníamos el sabor no importaba mucho. No cabe mencionar que las pupusas me las tuve que ir a comer a Suchi, pero ni modo.

Al ir regresando a Suchitoto nos encontramos con el guía del parque y sus amigos, quienes iban a un pueblo que quedaba cerca, así que los alcanzamos hasta allí. Al irnos alejando cada vez más me dieron ganas de regresar algún día, aunque en ese momento mi prioridad era comer.

Tipo 5 de la tarde llegamos a Suchitoto, y lo primero que hicimos mi hermana y yo fue ir a comprar unas papas fritas (no muy saludables ni limpias, creo yo, ya que una media hora después me dio dolor de estómago) y unas pupusas para calmar el hambre.

Para aplacar el calor y el cansancio, nos metimos a la piscina un buen rato y más tarde fuimos a cenar al restaurante del hotel. Fue un buen final para un buen dia.

A la mañana siguiente, un tranquilo pero caluroso domingo, mi papa y yo fuimos a caminar, pero no logramos ir más allá de la Fonda El Mirador, ya que el calor estaba pesado. Nos regresamos al hotel, donde arreglamos un poco la maleta y esperamos a que mi hermana y mi mamá salieran de la piscina para poder alistar todo y regresar a San Salvador. A pesar de que nadie se quería ir del hotel, ya queríamos regresar a nuestro hogar. Salimos de Suchitoto al mediodia para llegar a almorzar a San Salvador.

Y bueno, fue un gran viaje, a pesar de que pasé horas buscando un lugar o una persona que vendiera paletas de sombrilla y no encontré nada.

A veces siento que por más extranjera que séa, no puedo negar que, en todos estos años, una parte de mí se ha vuelto Salvadoreña.

Screwy Sunday

Ah, Sunday. A day commonly used to bond with the family and spend quality time together.

Not really.

Sundays in my house can go from the best thing ever to plain shithole sucky. Today was one of the latter kind, but I won't go into detail because it will take FOR EVER. Seriously. I had to modify this post and make a two-page story into a few lines.

So, long story short, I got angry because I lost something and everything went to hell. My mom got angry and wanted to throw me out of the house (for real), but here I am. Though there is no guarantee that I will remain here...Perhaps she'll send me off to granny's house, where there is no food (except whole-wheat cookies, sugar-free juice, a peach or two and milk) and no internet (nooo!!).

After that, I went to the fair with my best friend, her boyfriend and her niece (although I only had $16 to spend, boo hoo).

It was packed like an air-tight sealed coffee package (I call them coffee bricks). It always is...It is, after all, the consumerist fair where you can buy any kind of cheap crap and one of the only places (or the only?) in the city with "safe" rides (aside from school carnivals, although they only last a day or two, whereas this lasts a whole week).

I remember once my grandpa took me and bought me a really pretty necklace. Like most people, we were there namely for the rides, but it began to rain and we had to go into one of the shops for cover, and because it was so cold he had to buy me an ugly red sweater to keep me warm. My grandpa was the best.

But this time it didn't rain, although it looked like it would. We managed to go to two rides (one of them had a REALLY long line, so we rode twice in a row), although my best friend only watched us from afar and took pictures because she's not fond of rides.

I finally got over my fear of the "Kamikaze", a ride with two pod-like structures that go up and around, so at the top you are upside-down. It was incredibly fun, and I think I left my friend's boyfriend deaf with my screams. It was so fun that I rode it twice, and even now I can recall the thrill and fear that I felt as I was left hanging upside down, staring at the huge crowd beneath me.

It really broke my heart how her niece was mean to her the second time we rode the pirate ship. My best friend didn't want to ride it, and her niece was throwing a tantrum because she wanted her auntie to go with her. The boyfriend and I went with her and tried to calm her down, but she pushed us away when we tried to hold her hand. As the ride started up, I tried to spot my friend down in the masses of people. At first, I couldn't see her because she wasn't waving back or taking pictures. When I finally saw her, I realized why neither her niece nor her boyfriend were as happy as they were when we rode the ship earlier in the afternoon.

Even from high up in the air I could see the tears in her freckled cheeks, and it made me want to jump out of the ship and hug her. I tried to smile back at her but felt like a hypocrite, so I just stared ahead at the darkening sky and the lights of the ride against it, appearing and disappearing as the ride went up, down, up, down.

We went past various stands of games such as fishing, which my friend's niece played and won 4 prizes. Afterwards, we spent like $5 on those machines where you can fish out plushies, but only managed to retrieve a large-headed baby mickey mouse, which the little girl kept. I was amazed at how much stuff she bought; she had that plushie, plus another two and the toys she won at fishing.

My friend and I were tired of walking around with her niece, so we went into the main building to look at stuff and her boyfriend took her niece to the rides again.

We had fun pointing out all of the cheap crap that we would never in our lives use, although I must admit I saw some things I would actually buy.

I almost had an orgasm when I saw a stand that sold video games and things of the sort. My friend, I think, was wincing inside, but I went in and asked the guy about games for Nintendo Wii, because my sister wants to buy some.

Now, I'm not a game expert, but I think my sister has probably the worst taste in video games. Firstly, I think she just bought the Wii because it got so much publicity and everyone was saying how cool it is because of the wireless remote and whatnot. But if you ask me, I say Wii is a synonym of crap. The only good thing about it is that you can move around and stuff, but I personally prefer the Nintendo Gamecube. I don't know about gaming, either, and I know Play Station is probably better, but I always wanted a Gamecube (although I was happy with my 64, I don't know why my mother had to give it away). Thankfully, the Wii takes Gamecube games, so as soon as I can, I am buying some remotes and more games.

But I didn't find anything interesting games in that stand (just Tony Hawk Underground; I always wanted a skating game), so we moved on, and further on, we came to another video game store, and they had used Gamecube games for sale. I found Soul Calibur, a game which I loved since I first played, for $10 and, even though I don't have any Gamecube controls yet, I bough it.
Hopefully, I'll get at least one remote tomorrow, and, someday, I'll get more games. I'm DYING to buy Naruto Clash of Ninja and a few others. (If anyone who knows about games reads this, could I get some recommendations?)

After buying my game (by this time my friend's boyfriend and niece had rejoined us) we wandered around some more until everyone got tired and we decided to leave. The last thing we purchased were some rings; I'd spent all of my remaining money on the game, but when I dug in my pockets I found out I had a dollar, so I bought a nice ring.

So even though the day started out crappy, it got better. Tomorrow I hope I can go buy a control and I'll practice so I can totally kick my boyfriend's ass at SC when he comes back from the beach!