I don't know who to trust or believe anymore. This is getting awful and enormous and ridiculous. It worries me, and it scares me, and I don't know what to do, or who to talk to, or where to look for the answers.
I don't know what's wrong with my boyfriend. I don't know what's going to happen when he comes on Tuesday and we talk things over.
I don't know if I should believe my friends, who say that he doesn't treat me like I should be treated, that he doesn't make me feel valued and important, that he doesn't love me as much as I love him, that he cares more about his friends and himself than me and that I should leave him for good.
Should I believe him when he says he's going through a hard time in his life and just forgive him and take the hit if he decides to leave me (again) instead? Or should I assume that he just wants to bail from the relationship and let him go, fearing and almost knowing for certain that he would not bother to come back?
I want the truth, but I'm scared.
He's a coward for not wanting to face me until I told him how I felt, a selfish idiot for choosing his friends (which, on the most part, I don't like) over me and implying I wouldn't fit in with them because I'm too different...And still, I love him, and my chest aches at the thought of having him go. I can feel my throat tightening and tears burning like acid at the back of my eyes.
And, in the end, everyone tells me to leave him, but they don't understand how much I love him. Even though he's making me suffer, I love him. When I think about losing him, I want to cry so bad, because I don't want to live without his laugh, without his beautiful brown eyes, without his kisses or even without his rants. I know that sometimes I get tired of hearing him talk about all these bands and movies I don't know, but it's worth it just to see the look on his face when he gets really happy or excited about something.
Though I do tend to think that I would like it if he showed his love more often...I am ashamed to say I recall the times I saw him with his ex and wished I was her. I wished he loved me as much or even more, and that he was sweet and tender with me, even in front of other people, and that he took me out more often, among other things. I thought that, had I been there instead of her, I could've made him much happier...Or maybe I would've been a lot more happier. And, after all of those thoughts and images go through my head, that's when my life seems bleak, unfulfilled and lame.
I want an answer, I need divine intervention or something. I wish there was someone who could pause the movie of my life and take some time to explain what is going on right now. But there is no such thing, and my intuition says the future is not looking bright.
No matter how much advice I've gotten, how much people I've talked to, all the different points of view I've gotten, I still feel uneasy and very, very scared.
I think I'm also angry. This might sound stupid, but I'm angry at myself. Angry for not doing anything right, for screwing up every goddamned relationship I get into, for being scared of not having someone to love and be loved by.
I wish I could just disappear. Leave without a trace. Just...Vanish into thin air. Or even die. I don't think he'd care. Maybe my friends and my parents would, but he wouldn't. And I wouldn't have to worry about anything else; not my geography coursework, school or him.
But I'm so scared of doing anything...So, for now all I can do is sit on the couch, work on my coursework, cry, and wait.
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3 comments:
The person causing you so much heartache doe not really love you. Not because of anything you've done to him. But what you have done to yourself. Your self-esteem was robbed somewhere along the way. What has happened to you in your life causes you to be a puppet of pleasure and pain.
Be strong. Learn to love yourself. You can never love anyone until you have first loved yourself. Remember: True love expects nothing from anyone. True love gives and gives and gives; never expecting ANYTHING in return. True love is walking up a mountain together. Just to sit and watch the sunrise. That is the essence of true love.
Hi
Saw ur posting n tot i drop by n lv my trace. sori to c tat u r gg thru a tough time. i think wat every one said is jus an opinion n don mean a thing. let me share w u in pt form.
1) it is ur problem - no one will understand the unrequited fire burning in u.
2) no one will be able to solve ur problem.
3) it is yr choice to continue to suffer or u wan to walk out into the sunshine.
so i suggest
a. pull yrself out and stand far n look at the whole situation.
b. treat it like it is not U, it is another person's.
c. ask yrself - wat will U do if u r 'her'.
d. b honest - forget abt who loves who e most.
e. if u care, go read my blog on meditation - www.bigheaddolly.blogspot.com. C if it helps.
f. why r u so afraid to meet him? u r afraid that he finally says 'let's split'?
g. frm the way u write, u r an intelligent female. it is just tat u crawled into a shell n instead of coming out, u crawl deeper into the tip. now it is suffocating u bcos there is no exit n no more room.
h. u either die in tat position or u reverse. if u do, yr space will get bigger n bigger n u will find yrself breathing.
i. there r many people who love u. until u learn to love yrself, u will always b at a losing end.
j. dying is the coward way out. U think being dead will make u happier? Yr family n friends will b hurt. The person u die for - will he remember? mayb for a short while n all will b back to normal. Leopard will nvr change its spot.
k. LOVE is supposed to b a beautiful feeling - why yr love is a torture?
l. is it u want too much frm tis LOVE?
m. LOVE tat person, let tat person go do wat he wants. u need not own him. it is u who Love him not tat he needs to live up to yr expectation?
n. go find yrself gfriends, things to do, hobbies, hv a life of ur own. why center ur life around tis person?
o. sorry i may sound cruel. it had to b cruel to be kind.
p. if u think dying is all - then u r wrong. Chinese saying 'Dying can b as light at a feather or as heavy as a mountain'. meaning giving up yr life has to hv a meaning. if u want to die, u better die like the heros of the China Earthquake - save others lives and scrafices ur Own. tat is dying like a mountain. when u meet GOD u will be v proud to tell him tat it is out of compassion.
p. now u r e one in pain. Again Chinese saying ' only e person pricked by the needles know the pain. so where is the problem? it is e needles. if u pretend the needles r not there and ignore the needles r the cause - u continue yr pain. U can hv lots on monies, u can fly n stay in the best resorts in the world, u can buy yrself all the best, most expensive n finest things in the world - i bet u, u will still b in pain.
q. so if u take away the needles, ur pain is gone.
r. it is self worth, self love...
i knw u can. u jus hv to readjust ur life. it is like mvg into a new house. everything is so unfamilar but very soon u will get to love it.
One door close, another will open..
all the best, pls love yrself. if a stranger like me care enuf to write such long rubbish, all the more u hv to stand up.
no matter whether u walk out of e relationship or u stay with tis man - n if u hv carefully consider tt u can live with it, i rejoice for u. do not listen to too many advises, or ask for too mani opinions - it won help. u will b most confused.
i hv suffered n i know n i congratulate myself that i am walking in the sunshine.
Show me U can!
traces of Lotus from Asia!
i hate it...when you love someone but they don't love you back...but the decision is yours. no one can make it but you. best of luck.
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